Santa Claus Is Missing: A Christmas Harem Gamelit Read online

  “Kids sat on your lap?” she asked horrified.

  She just didn’t stop.

  Keeping my eyes firmly shut, I said, “Yeah, or were you too drunk to remember that I was dressed as Santa Claus?”

  “Why would kids sit on Santa Claus’s lap?”

  I finally opened one eye and looked up at her. “You’re weird, you know that? They sit on my lap so the greedy little shits can list off all the things they want Santa to get them for Christmas.”

  “Oh. Well. Okay. I’m going to take a shower. You should put some clothes on while I do. It’s not good for me to see you before we’re married.”

  She turned on her heels, the ones I had taken off and which for some reason she was wearing again, even though we were indoors, and headed toward the bathroom.

  I frowned at her retreating ass, which was very nice, and tried to process her words. It was a lot to process.

  Married? See me like this?

  I pushed myself up and looked down.

  And realized I was completely naked.

  At some point during the night I must’ve kicked off my sleeping bag—I’d gotten it for camping in Minnesota, and while Miami and Minnesota both started with Mi, that’s where the similarities ended, especially when it came to climate—and my towel must’ve come off.

  Now my morning wood was standing tall and the sleeping bag and towel were nowhere in sight.

  Had she taken them?

  But then why was she concerned about seeing me like this?

  Or maybe she’d been trying to wake me up for longer than I remembered. I could be a heavy sleeper.

  I heard the shower turn on and looked away from man’s natural nocturnal self-diagnostic check and saw that the bathroom door was halfway open.

  I rubbed my face. Why did I get myself into these things?

  In my bedroom I discovered where my sleeping bag had gone.

  It was on my bed for some reason.

  No sign of the towel.

  I dressed quickly and found—thankfully—the bowl I’d left for her to throw up in empty and clean.

  The glass of water was also unused and still full, and I carried both these to the kitchen, glancing at the open bathroom door as I passed and getting a hint of something in the fogged-up mirror that might’ve been her breasts.

  I looked away and continued to the kitchen.

  I didn’t know why I didn’t go in there. If she left the door open, she probably wanted me to. Wanted me to go in there after her.

  But there was something about her that made me hesitant, made me want to get to know her first. To treat her more than just a one-night stand.

  Jesus, what was wrong with me? I was turning into a woman.

  A few minutes later she came out wearing my towel—so that was where it had gone—and nothing else.

  Her wet blonde hair trailed down her shoulders and back, and somehow her eye makeup still hadn’t smeared.

  Must be some really waterproof stuff. Maybe she had it tattooed on.

  I also noticed for the first time that she must be wearing colored contacts, as her eyes were not blue as I’d initially thought, but purple.

  “I don’t suppose you have anything clean for me to wear, do you? My dress isn’t self-cleaning, and it smells like spirits. The kind you drink. Not the kind in you.”

  I groaned. “If you don’t mind wearing guys’ clothes.”

  “As long as I don’t stand out. It’s dangerous for me to draw attention. Right now we need to stay under the radar, and get this fixed.”

  “Get what fixed?”

  “I’ll tell you later. First I need to put some clothes on. I shouldn’t tempt you.”

  Well I couldn’t deny that it was tempting having her stand there in a towel like that.

  “Yeah, come on.” I waved at her and had her follow me to my bedroom, where I gave her one of my T-shirts and a pair jeans some girl or other left here. They looked like they would fit her.

  Then I left her in my bedroom, as much as I wanted to stay and watch.

  As I was closing the door, I saw her let the towel fall and I caught a glimpse of her bare butt.

  Just that one glimpse was enough to make me grow instantly hard.

  4

  I was standing in my kitchen eating a bowl of cereal when she came out from the bedroom.

  She was wearing my T-shirt and what looked to be a pair of my boxers.

  And nothing else.

  When she saw me looking at her she said, “It was too warm to put on the jeans. I hope you don’t mind I borrowed these.” She lifted her shirt up—my shirt—to show me what indeed were a pair of my boxers.

  “That’s… fine.” I took another bite of cereal to keep myself from saying anything stupid.

  “What’s that?” she asked, pointing at my bowl of cereal.

  “Lucky Charms,” I said, trying not to sound embarrassed. I knew it was a kids’ cereal, but it was damn tasty.

  One time I had ordered a bag of just the marshmallows from Amazon. What a glorious week that had been.

  But I’d also gained 5 pounds in that week, so that was the last time I’d done that.

  Now I stuck to the less hardcore marshmallows-and-oat-flour mix of Lucky Charms, rather than pure marshmallow goodness.

  “Do they work?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “The Lucky Charms. Do they work to give you luck?”

  I laughed.

  She tilted her head at me. “What’s so funny?”

  I shook my head.

  She frowned cutely. “Now that you have your Lucky Charms, are you ready to save Christmas?”

  “What do you mean save Christmas? That doesn’t even make sense.”

  “Of course it makes sense, Christmas needs saving. You don’t want Christmas to not happen, do you?”

  “I’m pretty sure Christmas is going to happen regardless of what I or anyone else does.”

  “No.”

  “What do you mean ‘no’?”

  “If we don’t do something, Christmas won’t happen this year. We can’t let that happen.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was just screwing around with me. She had to be.

  Unless she was crazy.

  But the only crazy she seemed to me, was crazy hot.

  “You want to explain to me how we’re supposed to save Christmas?”

  “First we have to find Rudolph and—”

  “Hold on, Rudolph? As in Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer?”

  She nodded. “Yes. Although it’s not just her nose that’s red. I don’t know why people think that.”

  I frowned. “I thought Rudolph was a boy reindeer.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “Uhh, I don’t know.” But I was pretty sure Rudolph was a boy. I mean Rudolph, who would name their—well I guess not daughter, since she was a reindeer. Who would name their female pet Rudolph?

  Then again, I had a friend who named his cat Jessica. And it was a boy cat. So maybe it’s not that strange.

  I shook my head. She had me thinking of fairytales as though they were real things.

  “How’s Rudolph going to help us?”

  “Well she has the North Pole, she took it before—”

  “Hold on,” I said, putting out my hand and setting down my spoon of soggy Lucky Charms. “You mean she is in the North Pole?”

  “Goodness no! She couldn’t fit in that thing.”

  “You know lady, you’re pretty confusing.”

  She went on as though I’d said nothing. “So she has the North Pole. She took it before my parents disappeared, and now we have to find her and bestow it to you and have her officiate so we can save Christmas.”

  I frowned at her. She was gonna give me premature wrinkles. “Um… yeah. Officiate?”

  She nodded vigorously. “Yes! Don’t you see? You’re Nicholas! It’s a sign. You’re meant to save Christmas.”

  “Right.”

  I guessed she really was craz
y after all.

  Damn shame.

  “Okay,” I said, playing along. It was my day off. What else did I have to do?

  Besides, even if she was crazy, she was still hot. I could put up with crazy for a girl as hot as her.

  For a little while, at least.

  “We have to get the North Pole, for me.”

  “Yes exactly.”

  “Which Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer has.”

  “Yes, but she doesn’t like being called that.”

  “Oh no?” I asked, still playing along, and almost starting to enjoy it. “What does she like being called?”

  “She’s been going by Rue lately.”

  “Right, Rue. Okay so Rue took whatever, the North Pole—that must be heavy—and what? Ran away because what, your parents disappeared?” Maybe she’d had a home invasion and her parents had gone missing, and the trauma had caused her to snap.

  “Yes. That’s why I was drunk last night. I thought everything was over, that Christmas would be canceled. That my uncle would ruin Christmas. But we’re not gonna let him win. We’re going to save Christmas! And then get my parents back!”

  “And let me guess, is your dad’s name Santa?”

  “What? No, that’s impossible.”

  Oh, I thought in surprise.

  Maybe she wasn’t crazy. Maybe her parents had been kidnapped.

  But if so, that was a job for the police, not a part-time Santa Claus.

  “So what happened to your parents?”

  “I don’t know. All I found was a note from my uncle, saying Christmas would be canceled.”

  I sighed, and took another bite of my soggy Lucky Charms. They weren’t nearly as good now.

  I didn’t know if it was because they’d lost their crunch, or if I was just getting weary of this girl.

  “So… your parents are missing. Rudolph— I’m sorry, Rue, has the North Pole, and we need to find her so she can give it to me and officiate… what?”

  “Becoming the Santa Claus.”

  Well there went the idea of her not being crazy.

  “And you’ll be able to turn me into Santa because…”

  “Because I’m the Santa Claus’s daughter. Obviously.”

  5

  “I thought you said Santa wasn’t your father.”

  “You need to pay attention better. I said my dad’s name wasn’t Santa. It’s Nick. Just like you.”

  Oh great, a girl with a daddy complex.

  Did I really look that old?

  Jesus. I needed to start eating better and stop drinking so much.

  That wasn’t gonna happen.

  “Have you finished your ritual with your Lucky Charms? You’re taking quite a while. There have to be more efficient luck spells.”

  I stared at her, open-mouthed. “I’m taking a while? You’re the one running me around in circles.”

  “What do you mean? You’ve been standing there this whole time. That’s the problem.”

  “It’s a— You know what, never mind. Why don’t you go find some other guy named Nick. I’m sure there’s plenty of us around. It’s not an uncommon name.”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “No? That’s it?”

  “You’re the one. I can feel it. If it has to be someone, I want it to be you.”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “I know all I need to know for this. What comes after, we can figure out later.”

  “After what?”

  “After we save Christmas.”

  Twenty minutes later, we were in my truck, and I was taking directions from who I found out was Alexa—the girl’s name, not Amazon’s assistant—and trying to find Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.

  Most recently known as Rue.

  Who apparently was a female reindeer, not a male reindeer.

  And was intelligent enough to take the North Pole—which I guessed was that barbershop-looking thing —and run away with it for safekeeping.

  For safekeeping from what? you might ask.

  That’s a very good question.

  A question to which Alexa did not have an answer.

  All she knew was that her evil uncle, Krampus, had left a gloating note, and she suspected he was responsible.

  “Where are we going?” I asked. I wasn’t sure why I was driving her around. Other than the fact that she was incredibly hot.

  In many ways.

  The AC was blasting, and yet she was still sweating, even though she was only wearing a T-shirt and boxers.

  It was 85 degrees out, and this was Miami, but we were in an air-conditioned vehicle.

  I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and I wasn’t sweating.

  I thought girls were supposed run colder than guys.

  A little nagging part of my brain kept telling me she ran warm because she was from the North Pole, but I pushed it away. I didn’t care how hot she was, I wasn’t gonna get drawn into her delusion.

  Another little part of my brain told me that I already had been drawn into it, seeing as how I was driving her around looking for Rudolph.

  “It has to be around here somewhere,” she said, scanning the area as I drove slowly down the road.

  “We’ve been up and down this road twice now.”

  “I remember there was dirty white stuff, like snow but not snow. It was warm and soft and hard to walk in like snow sometimes is.”

  I glanced at her, trying to see if she was joking. If so, I couldn’t tell.

  “Uh, do you mean sand?”

  She pointed at me excitedly. “Yes, sand! Sand, that’s what it’s called. It’s at bitches.”

  Oh Jesus, save me. “I think you mean beaches.”

  She shook her head. “No those are trees. I’m talking about bitches, with the water and everything.”

  “Those are definitely beaches, not bitches.”

  “Are you sure?”

  If she hadn’t been so earnest, I would’ve thought she was pulling my leg. But she seemed serious.

  Still I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “Well whatever. Is there anything like that around here. “

  “This is Miami. There’s beaches literally everywhere. Do you remember anything else?” I couldn’t believe I was still feeding into her delusion.

  “I don’t know. I had already started drinking when I came through the portal.”

  “Wait, portal? I thought we were looking for Rudolph.”

  “Yeah of course we are.”

  I sighed. Talking to her was exhausting. “Then what does a portal have to do with Rudolph?”

  “Well she’s not here, silly. Why would she be here?”

  “I don’t know. Silly me. Why ever would I think that?”

  “That’s what I just asked you.”

  I let my head hit the steering wheel. It caused the car to swerve, but there was no one else out nearby, and we were going slow anyway.

  I had to vent my frustration somehow.

  “Oh! There. I think.”

  I looked where she was pointing, which was just at a stretch of beach.

  “Where?”

  “See those stones?”

  I spotted them, then pulled the truck up to them and stopped a few feet away.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Are you serious? You just told me to stop.”

  “I didn’t tell you to stop.”

  “You just said ‘There it is’.”

  “Yeah. So you should drive through it.”

  “Drive through what?”

  “You really don’t listen do you? The portal.”

  “The portal to where?”

  “I can’t tell you that. It’s a secret.”

  “But you’re fine with me driving through it?”

  “Yeah of course. That won’t tell you where it is.”

  I looked at where she was pointing again. I did have a truck with four-wheel-drive, and it was only a few feet into the sand.

  Maybe
if I drove through the space she was pointing to and nothing happened, her delusion would break and she could tell me what was really going on.

  Or maybe it was a joke, and would end then, and she’d laugh at me and call me an idiot. Then we could go back to my apartment and have some real fun.

  Which admittedly was probably why I was doing all this. She was a gorgeous girl, and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

  Besides, despite how crazy she might be, I was starting to like her. More than starting. And making her happy made me happy.

  Damn. I really was turning into a woman.

  “You want me to drive right through there?” I pointed at the stones.

  “Yeah.”

  Shaking my head, I put the truck back into gear and inched onto the sand. I hoped I didn’t get stuck.

  I guided the front wheels through the stones and kept going until I thought the entire length of the truck was past them.

  I put the truck in park and looked over at her. “See? No portal.”

  But she wasn’t even looking at me. She opened the door and jumped out.

  “Hey! Where are you going?” I got out myself and was assaulted by a frigid breeze. I shivered, then chased after her. “Hey!” I called. “What are you doing?”

  She looked over her shoulder at me. “Follow me,” she shouted. “We need to hurry.”

  I guessed I hadn’t broken her delusion.

  And when did it get so—

  I stopped in my tracks. Suddenly the coldness registered and I looked around, confused.

  While to my left was a beach, that looked very much like the one I drove onto in Miami, I realized upon looking to my right, that I was no longer in Miami.

  The trees were no longer the mix of palm and others that grew native to Florida, but a mix of pine and juniper and other species I couldn’t name.

  Also, while it’d been in the eighties when we left my apartment not a half-hour ago, now it had to be in the fifties. Maybe even colder.

  And in place of the flat Miami highway to my right, there was instead a dirt trail and rolling hillside that cut off my view of anything that came after it.

  I looked ahead of me and saw Alexa running toward those trees that weren’t at all like what grew in Miami.

  Not sure if I had lost my mind and become part of a shared delusion, I sprinted after her.